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I recently came back from a jog. It’s surprising to state this fact. I think it was likely a decade since the previous time. However I found out recently that my tests indicate slightly high cholesterol, and the recommendation was to perform intense workouts on a consistent basis.

For the first time ever in living memory that the reason to exercise has been my physical health. In my youth, I ran because I desired to lose weight. I’ve also run to cure nervousness – I was merely escaping from the anxiety, without confronting it. Sometimes, I ran because I aimed to enhance at running. It signified the meaning to me at that time to create a better life.

Running for a different reason currently sparked reflection about the methods I’ve related with my body throughout my life and how this is changing as I progress from early adulthood to being a middle-aged person. It seems unlikely I’ve valued my own body, not fundamentally. I’ve valued it just for its functions and the purposes it fulfilled for me: trying to attract others; avoiding feelings; completing a speedier 5km. Up to now, I failed to grasp that my body is me, it is my existence, instead of an instrument for achievements.

A lot has been discussed through history about the separation between body and mind – a topic it’s reassuring to know, I’m not going to precis now. What resonated most intriguing is Sigmund Freud’s view that mind and body are innately connected from the beginning, because physical development requires mental growth and vice versa. The newborn’s corporeal feelings – like the physical sensation of hunger – motivate consciousness to build the capacity to perceive hunger as an emotion that may be satisfied by a feed; and the emotional comfort and fulfillment repeatedly brought by meal after meal nourishes the infant’s psyche in the same way the milk fuels them physically. Similarly emotional occurrences – such as the wish to rise and attain a goal, and the resolve to persist through effort – are the reason and method the body develops power. From our earliest moments, our body and mind are intertwined in mutual development as integrated as DNA strands.

But It’s become clear, in sessions with my analyst, that my mind and body can be in an alternate dynamic – a more separated and somewhat abusive. My mind might utilize my physical self to retain and display elements that my mind considers undesirable or unacceptable. In analysis it emerged how exist specific feelings that I am afraid I cannot bear; in place of feeling these in my mind, I unconsciously force them to my physical self, becoming trapped as bodily signs.

I often had this as indigestion – which had nothing to do with what I’d eaten, but was a type of bodily backlash of the more acidic feelings I failed to handle psychologically. This was not a deliberate decision, but when it was brought into my consciousness through therapy, and my fear and insecurity and anger and panic could be felt and expressed verbally instead of converted to bodily feelings, it vanished. It’s uncommon for me with digestive issues currently.

The toughest period I had this terrible acid reflux, I didn’t sleep for multiple consecutive nights. I felt I was forfeiting my mind. I went to the GP, who organised various scans and tests, but no issues were found medically abnormal. It turned out to be another doctor who informed me that the root could be emotional. My therapist agreed. I was stunned, but I recognized it was correct.

When a patient experiences a physical symptom, it can be upsetting at the suggestion that there might be a mental root. They might feel like disrespect, being told that their illness is imagined. Naturally that does happen – individuals may experience their symptoms dismissed or incorrectly identified. Yet occasionally it might be that the bodily signs exist – no question – and the source is mental, the unconscious using the physique to manifest certain suffering or fury or whatever emotion awareness is unable to bear. Occasionally, we may believe our experience matters solely if manifested as bodily symptoms. We often undervalue our minds on a personal level, as a society and as a culture; for what reason do we accept the appalling killing-off of psychological therapies in public healthcare?

Personal insights have taught me that a superior lifestyle cannot be created if we remain trapped without realization in ways of relating, inside us and in relationships, that originate in disregard, exploitation and exchange. Such patterns are often easier to identify “externally” in wider society. It’s likely more challenging to reflect on how they got out there, and to identify these patterns personally and within our closest relationships, in the dynamics of our mental lives.

But it’s worth persevering. When I put my jogging shoes once more after such a long decade, venturing out without aiming for physical improvement, or to escape an emotion, or to beat a personal best, {it